Fun With English, Indian Style

Revisitng English As She Is Not Spoke, Created: Wednesday, October 31, 2007 11:12 AM

HINDUSTANI ENGLISH

“ English! Thou shouldst be living at this hour
Hindustan hath need of thee”
[With apologies to William Wordsworth]

The following is an un-edited version of an essay on “The Cow” written sometime back by a successful candidate from Bihar who got through a competitive examination conducted by the Union Public Service Commission, New Delhi

“ The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadruped and because he is female, he gives milk, but will not do so when he is got child. He is same like god, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards..
His whole body can be utilized for use. More so the milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the very condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankinds generally.
His motion is slow only because he is of aslitudinious species. Also his other motion is so much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes and drying in sun. Cow is the only animal that extracts his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly on the meadows on the grass. His only attacking and depending organ is the horn, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.
He has got tail also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his body whereupon he gives hit with it. The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses heads would not get crushed. At nighttime have poses by giving down on the ground and he shuts his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.
This is the cow.”

[Courtesy:TheTelegraph, Calcutta]




TOILET TRAIN—ING.

Way back in 1909, Indian trains did not have any toilet facilities. Till recently no one knew what inspired the designers to install them. The answer has now been found in a letter discovered in the railway records of Sahibgunj, West Bengal. The letter dated 2nd July 1909 reads as follows:

Dear Sir,
I am arrive by passenger train to Ahmedpore station and my belly is swelling too much with jackfruit. I am therefore went to privy. Just as I am doing the nuisance, that guard making whistle blow for train to go off. I am running with lota in one hand and dhoti in the next, when I fall down and expose all my private parts to man, female women and childrens on platform. I am get leaved at Ahmedpore station.
This is too much bad. If passengers go to make dung, that dam guard no wait for train five minutes?
I am therefore pray to your honour to make big fine on that dam guard for public sake; otherwise I am making big nuisance in newspapers.

Your faithful servant
Okhil Ch. Sen

[Courtesy:Imprint, November 1980]


B.M.N. MURTHY





Midweek Miscellany---LAUGH AWAY YOUR BALANCE TROUBLES
Created: Wednesday, July 23, 2008 10:51 AM