English Is A Phunny Language!

A SCHOOLMASTER’S MAIDEN SPEECH IN ENGLISH
-Tickling you to the bone
[With apologies to the original writer]

Sixty years ago, a schoolmaster from a remote rural area of Maharashtra, by name Ghorpade, more at home with Marathi or Hindi than with English, was transferred to Nasik. He reported for duty and on the first day he was introduced to all the other colleagues with whom he interacted. During the interaction he could assess that his knowledge of English was much better [ only he had heard about English authors like Longfellow, Francis Bacon and about English Public schools like Eton, Harrow and Rugby].. He therefore thought that he would impress all of them with his superior knowledge of English. On the eve of the Independence Day it was the practice of the school to request the most recent recruit to address the gathering. Ghorpade thought it was an ideal occasion to show his talent in English and so desired to speak in English. The topic he chose was: Independence Day. The following is an extract from a copy of the written text:

“Pracharya Mahoday [Head Master [, Contemporaries and childrens,

This is my first maidan speech. If small small mistakes are inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but two very important reasons objected me.

Firstly, when I and my son making exit from my house, the wireman gave a telegram message for me. I got a real sock when I read that my feverish and weekly mother became very dangerous. I rushed her village for one lost sight of her before she exfired. By the time I reached, she had finished and her eyes were locked. In spite of doctor’s injunctions and best medicines, my mother fell from frying fan into the fire. What can I do? Man prepossesses and God dispossesses. Doctor told me that before she passed out, her breadth also became longer. I asked my doctor if my mother was in her senses when she died. Doctor said she had sense till 9 in the night, but no sense by 10.

Anyway, with water in our eyes, we gave her all the rights and carried her to the firing ground. We fired her with sandalwood, incense and ghee. After mother was reduced to asses in the fire, we collected some asses for drowning them in the Ganga River because it is the habit among Hindus. Funeral celebrations became grand success
.
The second reason is, too much time lost in getting slipper accommodation. The clerk rejected to give a ticket. I put complaint on stationmaster. He said me to go to window number 14 and press that lady clerk. At first she rejected. But when I continued to press her for a long time with great difficulty, she gave birth only to my son. For me, she gave a sitting birth. I thanked the stationmaster for having given birth at least to my son.

Childrens, today we got independence because of leaders like Gandhiji who get-outted all Angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth rate and we shall have it. Today we all halve our birth rate due to Tilak.

You childrens are future generators of the nation. Be like great men. Remainder what that great man Lord Nelson said during war between Russia and America. He said “England accepts every man who does his duty”. One day you must become inventories and discovers like X-ray Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt or Washington of France. They were all genius. You know what is genius? No? Matlab, it is one per cent perspiration and ninety nine percent evaporation.

France’s Baygone said “Reading, like eating, makes a full man”. After you finish in the school, get degrees in college. You can then become great liars in supreme courts, shattered accountants, lecherers in colleges like Elephant son in Bombay etc. The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil and we are the malice, matlab, gardeners. We will bury you in the soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day you will become great phools, matlab, flowers of India.

If you have flare for English language, most beautiful language, learn it. You become a lecturer. The pay packet may not be heavy but the carrier is a noble one.

Last but not the latest; be proud of your school. You heard schools like Eaten, Arrow and Rubby. No? Great schools. The battle of Watergate was won on the playing fields of Eaten. Work for the nation from today and don’t allow anytime to go to waist, girding up your lions right now.

I am now ending this fastly, but before I am finished here, I will give a fine coating from a longfellow which is poetry. By heart it, childrens.

“Wives of all great men remind us
We can take our wives sometimes
And departing leave behind us
Good prints in the hands of time”

May God bless you! Jai Maharashtra!


NOTE: After this speech, the Principal cancelled the exhibition of a Laurel and Hardy film scheduled for the afternoon.

B.M.N. MURTHY





ARTICLE NO.567--A Schoolmaster's Maiden Speech in English
Created: Friday, May 14, 2010 10:25 PM